Student Archetypes, Part II

PERRY PATETIC – Perry can absolutely not remain in his seat. Within one period the teacher can expect, at least 7 times, to direct him to his assigned seat, which he studiously avoids as if there were 200 lbs. of nuclear waste on it (or even worse, educational material). Whenever there is a knock on the classroom door Perry is there in a nano-second to open the door, and let in anyone, even if the person’s wearing a ski mask and carrying a chain-saw. It has been estimated that within the course of one school year, Perry logs at least 500 walking miles, just in the confines of one classroom alone.

BUBBLINA VIVACIO – Cute, effervescent, extroverted, gregarious, everybody’s girl, Bubblina believes these attributes compensate for the fact that she cuts class all the time, and does little or no work on those rare occasions when she is there. Not unintelligent, Bubblina unfortunately channels most of energies and time, not into her studies, but into socializing and the pursuit of popularity. Her basicAttitude can be summed up as, “How can you fail me?! I’m so lively and adorable??!” So beguiling is Bubblina that the teacher may genuinely feel a tinge of remorse as, with the flick of a pen, he consigns her to a stint in summer school.
WILHEMINA WHINER – Wilhemina is the perpetual malcontent. She is forever complaining about everything and anything that’s goin on in, or around, class. If the teacher gives a writing assignment, Wilhemina will complain, “What?! We just had one two months ago!” If reading assignment is on the agenda, Wilhemina will groan, “I don’t wanna read that ol’ junk!” But Wilhemina’s dissatisfaction is not limited to curricular matters. It is also often directed toward fellow students. “Somebody in here needs a bath!” or “Her pen is making too much noise when she writes!” Physical conditions are also not spared her pique. “It’s too hot in here!” “It’s too cold in here!” or “Who moved my desk?!” and on and on. There’s little that can be done with Wilhemina except grit your teeth and bear it until she graduates and goes on to a successful career as a social activist, consumer advocate, editorial writer, or as Andy Rooney’s replacement on “Sixty Minutes”.

HAL HALLWALKER – Hal spends the better part of the day (as far as he’s concerned) strolling idly in the halls. At any given time of the day, any teacher can step into the hall, and have a good chance of seeing Hal either approaching or receding into the distance. Hal has perfected his routine to the point where he has high hopes of winning a scholarship to the Harvard School of Ambulatory Studies, where he will prepare for a lucrative career as a floorwalker, night watchman, cop on the beat, or school security guard.

DYLAN THOMAS LENNON – Artistic, sensitive, rebellious, bohemian, a “kook”. A loner, Dylan does not fit in with, or tend to socialize with fellow students. He sometimes can be seen walking the halls with a guitar strapped around his neck, in his John Lennon wire-rimmed glasses. Although far more intelligent than his peers, Dylan does not do well academically, usually because he spends most of class time writing poems, songs, drawing demonic figures or reading Dune. Dylan has not only actually heard of the Beatles, The Stones, and The Who, but likes their music. As already mentioned, Dylan is a miserable failure as a student and probably doomed to a tragic future as a struggling artist, musician or writer.